All Alone

Nothing quite like crying in your living room out of loneliness...

Today has been one of those days. I'm frustrated with my mother-in-law and her overbooking of us around the holidays. I wanted to just have time with my family this year and maybe even throw a birthday party for my soon to be 5-year old in the same month that she was born rather than at her half-birthday, 6 months later.

I vented my frustrations to my FIL's girlfriend, whom I've come to think of as a friend.

I was wrong.

I didn't realize that our conversation would be entertaining evening reading material for my father-in-law. I didn't realize that he'd then act on what bits and pieces he read and send a bitter email to my mother-in-law, forwarding it to my husband and I when he was done.

My mother-in-law very predictably called my husband, asking what the heck happened and why would I say anything to FIL's girlfriend. Husband called me, angry that his mother was angry, asking what happened.

I was just venting and having a candid conversation, like I would with a friend. I didn't realize that friend would sell me out. I didn't realize my father-in-law would read a private conversation and go off the rails.

Instead of being embarrassed or angry, I just feel numb and alone. I'm crying because of the loneliness, not because my mother-in-law and husband are mad at me. I'm crying because I feel like I lost a confidant that could understand me. I'm crying because I've reached the point where I'm done caring and I realize that's the first step down the long path that leads to divorce. I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken family and I'm crying because I'm not sure if the alternative is even a possibility anymore. The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of year, not one that you dread with every fiber of your being because of the people you have to see and deal with. I have anxiety and depression and this time of year always sets it off. It's not the shorter days - it's spending 2 or 3 weekends a month in the presence of my mother-in-law - a woman who has always done her best to make me feel bad.

I don't know what will finally make me give up for good, but I will say that now is as close as I've ever been. I've always known I didn't have a chance of having a good relationship with my in-laws, but I always told myself it didn't matter. Well, it does matter. The only way it wouldn't matter is if we lived on the other side of the country, but my husband won't go and I can't cut my kids off from their father no matter how much I need to get away from this place. Their needs always trump mine, so for now I'll have to make due with crying alone in the living room, typing my sorrow out to unknown strangers on the internet.