I really wanted to write an email to my mother-in-law today regarding her behavior lately, but I'm not rude enough/ballsy enough to do so. Instead of sending it to her, I thought I'd share it with all of you instead...
Dear Mother-In-Law,
Your behavior as of late has been quite concerning. You seem to not be yourself, and I'm wondering if perhaps your recent separation from father-in-law is the cause of your troubles. In any event, I believe a few things need to be cleared up.
1.) While I appreciate your blind hatred of cats and your nonsensical belief that all cat litter boxes are disgusting (evident by your continual reminders of how you never had an indoor cat or a cat litter box because they are gross), my cat's litter box was fine this past weekend. I dumped the old litter and put in fresh, new, clean litter just 24 hours prior to your visit. The litter is scoopable, meaning it doesn't need to be emptied and re-filled every day. Good thing too, because my litter costs $17 per bag and one bag fills the litter box 1.5 times. Thank you so much for dumping an entire box of baking soda into the expensive cat litter. That was not only aesthetically appealing, but my cat really enjoyed the sensation of his behind fizzing as he went pee. He is now terrified of the litter box. Oh, and PS the litter we use is meant to attract the cat (in fact, it is called Kitten Attract) and it secretes a particular small that draws in the cat. Your little baking soda fiasco has destroyed that and now I must buy another bag of $17 cat litter. In any event, only cats can smell the herbs in the litter, so unless your mother had an affair with a lion your "small" issue is a moot point. I assume the smell is not what bothered you, but rather just being able to see the litter box in the first place.
2.) You keep asking me why you don't get jobs after going for an interview. Besides the obvious point of the economy and job competition, I think your main problem is articulation. You are not good at expressing your ideas clearly. This problem is compounded when you are nervous and every sentence ends with either, "You know what I mean?" or "Ya get what I'm sayin'?". Oh... and by the way, when one applies for a position as an English teacher, it is imperative that one uses proper English during the interview. It's also probably also a bad idea to call anyone "Darlin'" that has any connection to the school you wish to seek employment at.
3.) Your ex-husband-to-be is not sleeping with your cousin's daughter. While this statement alone may sound odd to some, the mere fact that she is now living with (renting from) him does not automatically mean that they are in any type of relationship. Furthermore, it is bad form to let the man you claim to have no feelings for see how upset you are over the prospect of him having relations with another woman. Clearly, you aren't completely done with him. It might be a good idea to try to work out your differences instead of seeking a divorce if there are any feelings left. After all, you are unemployed and will soon find yourself without a place to live or insurance or any other luxuries you've enjoyed for the past few decades.
I trust that you will think long and hard about the items I have mentioned. Thank you.
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