**Disclaimer** No comments about how I should leave my husband. He frustrates me sometimes and I blog about it. There are good times and bad times, just like with anyone else's relationship. I've got 3 kids with the guy under the age of 5, so you know there have been at least 3 moments in the last 5 years that he hasn't ticked me off badly enough to blog about it.
It's just after midnight and I'm looking at the glow of my computer screen. I'm sitting in the living room with my feet propped up while my 6 month old baby goes to town in the exersaucer a few feet in front of me. I'm not wowed by his cuteness or overcome with love right at the moment - no, I'm a seething bag of angry, overworked, underslept mama who's contemplating ways to castrate my usless husband in his sleep.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately. This happens to me from time to time, usually when I'm stressed or sick. Sometimes I'll go for a week sleeping just a few hours a night. It sucks, but I've got to say it's even worse this time because of my husband.
I finally finally finally got my brain to shut off last night/tonight by laying in bed, nursing my baby. (I say last night because lets face it - I'm not going back to sleep. You people that have ever had insomnia know what I'm talking about.) About 2 hours later the baby started fussing. Not crying for food, but fussing. He was awake. He does this sometimes because he's 6 months old and in his world, waking up in the middle of the night is a-ok. My husband at the time was sitting in bed next to me (I was sleeping) watching a TED talk on his phone.
He kept watching, completely ignoring the writhing, squirming, borderline-crying baby between us.
Trying to not wake all the way up, I tried to just nurse him back to sleep. No dice. I kept my eyes closed and told my husband to get him a pacifier. The following conversation ensued:
Him: "I don't know where there is one."
Are you kidding me?
Me: "Find one."
Him: "I don't know where you keep them."
Me: "They're everywhere, get up and look."
Him: "Do you really think that's what he wants?"
Me: "I don't know. Put a damn pacifier in his face and see if that's what he wants."
Him: "What else could it be?"
Me: "Damn it, get up and get a pacifier."
::Baby cries:: He resumes watching his show.
Yep, at this point I'm about to go ape-shit crazy. I'm fully awake now and I know there's NO WAY I'm going back to sleep. I get up, turn on the light and grab the pacifier that is literally on the damn dresser. Like right there. Like if I were awake and sitting where he was, I would have seen it.
I grabbed the pacifier and in the attempt, knocked the diaper bag, containing my wallet, down. I should note that my diaper bag was leaning precariously because my husband thought to pile a bunch of crap on top of it, making my midnight adventures all the more fun. Also, note that he feels the need to put children's shoes on top of my dresser, which drives me absolutely insane. Also note that he should have seen the pacifier while stacking shit on top of my dresser. My wallet fell out and landed smack in the bowl of water in the cats food dish on the floor. Fan-fucking-tastic.
I hand the pacifier to him and attempt to lay back down.
The baby continues to cry. I open my eyes to see him holding it half-assed against the baby's cheek. The baby is now mad at him, I'm mad at him, and he's just totally oblivious, watching his Ted talk.
Me: Clearly that's not working.
Him: Oh. Well here. I don't know what he wants.
Me: Maybe he just wants you to not put the pacifier in his ear?
Him: I don't know how to do this. You're better at this than me.
Note to husband: half-assed attempts at flattery do not work on sleep-deprived wives who have been woken up to care for the baby when YOU ARE ALREADY FUCKING AWAKE.
At that point, I grabbed the baby so my hands would be occupied and I wouldn't be able to throw anything at my husband's face. My husband thought that was his cue to put away his phone and snuggle down into the bed to go to sleep! Really?! You let the baby wake me up knowing full well that I'm running on a cumulative 8 hours of sleep FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK and then have the balls to get all comfy and lay down to go to sleep now that you know I'm taking him with me?
So that's why I'm in the living room, just after midnight. I fully plan to go wake that son of a bitch up in about an hour and continue the process every single hour for the rest of the night.
Karma. It'll get ya!
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